Hello my fellow internet users!
It’s Sabrina! That girl you haven’t heard from in almost a year. Sorry about that, needed a little sabbatical with all the school work and other things I had going on, and of course procrastination. This is by no means a promise that I will post more often or anything of that sort, but there was something on my mind that I felt I wanted to share.
Have you ever lost something important to you? I’m sure most of you have. Some sort of object with monetary or sentimental value. Such as earlier this year when I lost a ring given to me by one of my best friends. Or perhaps it was not something, but rather someone. Like a parent, sibling, or friend. Or maybe it wasn’t as much of a physical object rather than an idea. Such as motivation, beliefs, trust, or goals.
It dawned on me the other day, that I was soon to become a senior!! Geez! I started this back in Freshman year when I wrote every day. And now I’m almost done. But a Senior. I was thinking back on my experiences as a high schooler and I got very nostalgic. More than that, I became sad.
I was talking to my parents the other day and they seemed confused about why I would rather spend time with my friends than with them. I said because my friends are always there for me and I trust them more. Hurtful, right? But then again, I’ve never had the best relationship with my parents. They understood, but then they said something that got me thinking. They’re always going to be my parents no matter what, but my friends will come and go.
I thought about all the friends I’ve ever had in my life. And I became sad as their words rang true. I can remember back to preschool. My best friend. I did everything with her. My parents and her parents became closer through our friendship, but as we grew we went into different school systems an became influenced by different people. The next time I saw her she seemed so different, but I must’ve seemed different too. She no longer acted like someone I would want to befriend. And just like that, we grew apart.
My next “best friend” moved to Utah. I never heard from her again after that. Being a youngster I was, I didn’t have an email or cellphone to contact her and like that, she disappeared from my life.
Then a new friend. She was like a sister to me. We grew so close, but then she moved even further this time. To Australia. As she became molded by Australian society she also changed. She grew to become someone I could no longer recognize. And the time difference caused us to not be able to talk until all that could be heard from my so called sister was silence.
Next. Some of you may remember this one from earlier on in my blog if you’ve been following it for a while. I loved her. I was like a growth from her body. I looked up to her so much and she was a great friend. But misunderstandings and just small differences seemed to pile up to the point where everything became a conflict. Then she went to a different school. After that, I barely heard from her. In fact, my entire little posse from middle school rarely talks to me.
Again. A male friend this time. And no this isn’t as cliche as you’d think. The way it ended was because of me becoming interested in someone. And he felt that he shouldn’t be so close to me while I was with someone else. And so he distanced himself. I loved him, but now we pass as almost strangers in the hallway.
I recently had another best friend of an opposite gender. And this one, I’m sure you could foresee. We became so close. I loved him and talked to him for hours. Like my other friends keeping him updated and laughing with him. But then of course the complications arose when unshared romantic feelings came into the equation and I lost him as well.
I felt at this point that I had lost more than just the string of friends. Each one of those friends took a chunk of me with them as they left. I felt barely whole because I lost so much. I had dedicated so much time and effort and love into these people who so easily walked out of my life. I had lost more than my friends. I’d lost myself. I didn’t feel like the same Sabrina that I used to be.
Friends who had promised me they wouldn’t leave. Friends who had made wonderful plans with me for the future. All these friends were now lost. We went out separate ways and will look back on our time together fondly, but it’s over. I won’t ever get the love I gave them back. I won’t ever get the tie I devoted to them back. I won’t ever get that bond we had together back. The only thing I can do is close my eyes and bulldoze onward and hope there is a time when someone who isn’t family can be more than temporary.
It’s sad to think I’ve lost so many people I cared about. From time to time, I try to reach out to them, but I know that it can’t ever be the same. It’s lost. And it makes me sad. But perhaps it’s something I just need to accept.
I know this wasn’t the kind of post you’re used to. But this was just what was on my mind.
So you see, I have this word document where I saved little uplifting text messages, emails, and facebook messages that my friends have sent me. I was looking at it and some of those quotes can still bring me to tears. But what is even more sad is that most of these people won’t even say hi to me if they saw me anymore. Those people who had cared so much about me to send such sweet messages now don’t care to even wave.
It’s all very sad, but through it all I still have the friends I have now. And sure they’re nothing like the friends I’ve lost but they’re unique in their own way. And maybe someday we’ll become strangers again, but in the meantime, I’m going to try my best to enjoy the friendship we have now so that someday I can look back on the time we had together and smile.
Thank you for listening to my little rant!! You guys are the best (though I’m not quite sure anyone’s really reading this anymore) Well I might talk to you later if there’s something on my mind. But for now, goodbye!
Searchin the lost and found,
Sabrina ❤
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