A Melancholy Feeling

It’s a melancholy feeling when you watch someone melting away. You want to do something to help, but really, you know it’s out of your power. All you can do is sit. And watch. And wait.
You see their last efforts to make things right and it makes you want to truly evaluate your own life. This could happen to me. I can’t stop the voice in my mind telling me that they’re lucky. At least they get the time to say goodbye. Forgetting that they have to deal with the misery and guilt of knowing they will soon abandon everyone in this life. Everyone they love who loves them in return. Everyone who needs them. Everyone who has given them a part of their hearts. It must be terrible.
And still all I can do is watch. And wait. Knowing my words will only be added onto the pile of words already given to them. Another cliché. Words sent through cyberspace. A hug. Some short laughter. But you know it won’t last. You know that anything you say could be goodbye. Last words.
It’s a melancholy feeling.
It’s the pain of knowing. A definite conclusion. The helplessness. You hang on their every word, because they suddenly all seem to hold a deeper meaning.
It’s hard to enjoy even the little happy things when there is a cloud above you. A dark cloud. Filled with the rain that you know will fall. A cloud so heavy with sadness. And I’m just waiting.
Such a very melancholy feeling.
It’s hard to wrap your head around something so life altering. We’re young. This is so unnatural. This is all wrong. But all we can hope for is that we did our best. It was a good life. Hold on to that. Hold on to the happiness. Remember that the only reason it hurts is because they were so good. They had quirks. They got on my nerves sometimes. But I loved them. I regret not saying it back all those times. I regret not spending more time. Even now. But life goes on. I can’t pause everything to watch. And wait. I can’t.
It’s so easy for me to cry. I cry for a character in a book. A death in a movie. A stubbed toe. But now in a time of terrible grief, I sob, but can find no tears. This is a deeper pain. An unexplainable pain. A guilt. A melancholy feeling. Why can’t I cry? Why can I not find tears? Why?
I look at all the things. The messages. The little gifts. The notes. All the little things that remind me of better times. It used to make me so happy so see them, but not any more. Why didn’t I care more? Why didn’t I slow down and just enjoy the time? Everything is in perspective. I thought I knew what pain was. I thought I knew a lot of things. But I was wrong. I was wrong.
What do I do now? Life goes on. Keep swimming. Move along. Try to forget. Try not to think about it. No. I want to vomit. To purge myself of this feeling. I just want it to be better. I want it to be fixed. I want it to last.
I feel like something mine was stolen from me. Injustice. This can’t be happening. It can’t be. I can’t believe it. I refuse to. But that won’t stop it. Wasting away. Slipping. Lost.
It’s a melancholy feeling. My words feel so meaningless. How could any combination of letters truly express the pain I feel? They can’t. No one could understand. No one can hear the truth. There’s just me. Isolated. Watching. Waiting. Alone.

Advice from Sabrina

Hey Internet People!

So here it is! The poem I said I wrote! I hope you enjoy my rhyming (yes, they rhyme) words of wisdom!:

Look at me and who do you see?
A disappointment, that’s what I’d call me

But of course I care, how could I not
That pain and self doubt that you have wrought

We turn to hate who we mustn’t, ourselves
And inside our flaws we will further delve

We are unable to see our own penetrating light
Can someone please inform us that this isn’t right?

But when we’re told, will we really hear?
Or will it go in then out the other ear?

It seems as if this world can only go down
because behind every smile, there’s a hidden frown

Why do we feel the need to put on this joyous act?
Must we hide from this well known fact?

When the first thing we learn is just to complain
Even though none of us have ever felt true pain

When perfection can never be good enough
And we just keep searching for that diamond in the rough

We prevail only to make others fail
Yet always expect someone to pay our bail

We want more and more caring only for sheer quantity
But forget to look back and check our friends for quality

But when you realize all I’ve said is true
You’re in too deep, so what can you do?

Tear away from the standards of society
And realize it’s unique thoughts which make you mighty

Let go of all the flaws that you deeply resent
Now that the weight is gone, you will soon feel content

Listen for the moments of good between the bad
And realize there are far more reasons NOT to be sad

Be happy with what you have and understand others
And that’s when you’ll see life for its true colors

So there you have it! Just some observations and advice from a fellow human being. I hop you enjoyed it! And please feel free to comment or subscribe or like my post! It would be great! I’ll talk to you again later!

Deeper than the Ocean,

Sabrina

Random Acts of Kindness

Hey party people!

I had a fun story that I just wanted to share on here! Well basically today was an amazing day! This morning I went to school only to be met with a dozen roses!! Yes, my adorable boyfriend brought me roses and when I asked why, he just shrugged and said “Just cuz”. So obviously that’s my first amazing event.

Then later I was in class and my friend who knows that I absolutely LOVE mashed potatoes went out to KFC during lunch and brought me a vat of it! So good!! I just sat there eating mashed potatoes like a fatty and no one really judged me. So there’s the second amazing thing.

Then I was in a different class and my friend comes in and says “You like Dr. Pepper, right?” Just a side note, I LOVE DR. PEPPER! Like I could live on Dr. Pepper alone. So basically he says he was thinking of me and gives me a whole can!! As well as a bunch of popcorn!! So the third amazing thing today!
Then after school, my friend was walking around with a whole bag of different types of amazing cookies and just let me have at it. I didn’t even ask why he had them….I just ate a bunch. You guys should seriously consider joining the dark side, their cookies are the bomb!

Then the final amazing thing happened when my boyfriend and I decided to go to Panda Express after school for a mini date. He opened the door for me and kept it open for another lady. The lady went in, observed us for a while, and then said “You know what, gentlemen are hard to come by these days. Would you let me buy your meal?” And we were both kind of shocked. Seriously, just a random stranger! Probably one of the nicest random acts of kindness I’ve witnessed.

I hope none of you thought it was weird that most of these things were about food….Yeah. It’s not weird… But really truly an amazing day! It just makes me wanna go out and do these kinds of things for other people. Strangers, I mean! Maybe I will! I think you all should! And I do have a poem prepared to post, but I’ll post it later!! I promise!! Okay, goodbye for now!

Faith in Humanity Restored,

Sabrina

My Purpose

Is it wrong to love so selflessly, caring for others more than yourself? Because society seems look at my love and call me crazy. Why do you see me so strangely? Is this not the way love is meant to be? To care for them above yourself? So why is it that when I give my time to make someone feel better and happy, I’m called dumb for disregarding my own needs and the things I “need” to do to “succeed”. But don’t they see what true success is? At least to me, success doesn’t come as a letter on a report card or numbers on a paycheck. For me, success comes from making an impact on people’s lives. And that means caring for them selflessly. So go ahead and sneer at me. But you know inside you wonder, what’s in it for her? Why does she treat people the way she does? She looks so sad, so tired. Maybe because I’m empathetic and always try to understand everyone’s feelings. Maybe because I stayed up all night trying to talk to someone and make them realize that someone cares. Yes, I don’t care about myself. You can chalk it up to low self esteem or mixed up priorities, but the truth is, I find my life more meaningful in the way that I choose to live it, not the way I am told to live it.

Sorry I didn’t start this the way I usually do. Something my parents said got me thinking and I just had to rant. Sorry!

And as I mentioned before, I’m going to try to post more poetry on here. So keep an eye out for that.

Anyway, I hope you’re all doing fantastic!! Have a great day!

Your Helpful Blogger,

Sabrina

The Problem with Love

Hello everyone!

Lately, I’ve just been in the mood for poetry! And also, lately a lot of my friends’ relationships have been breaking up and that inspired me to write this poem I titled “The Problem with Love”. And then I thought, hey, why not share my poetry with you guys since it’s not like I’ve done a lot of posts lately. So enjoy! And as a side note, this is not some way to say there’s something wrong with my relationship. We’re stil strong as ever, no worries. So here it goes!

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love will make you lose your mind

Love is safe
Love is pure
Love feels like death’s own cure

Love is wonderful
That’s what they say
But what they don’t
Is what you must pay

Love is great
Until one day
It leaves you lost
Alone, without a way

Love is not proud, it does not boast
You go all in and find you’re just chasing a ghost

Love is what can bring you joy
Or so you think until it’s revealed as a ploy

Love is good, it understands
Then you find its raining feelings and the drops go through your hands

Love is happy, there are no frowns
When your world falls to pieces and you feel you will drown

Love is truthful, its never vain
When the guilt consumes you cause you’ve caused nothing but pain

Love is boundless makes you free
You feel sick to your stomach, consumed with jealousy

Love is passionate, can be your guide
Then it vanishes leaving you empty inside

Love comes easily, don’t try to hard
Your past failures leave you forever scarred

You see, the problem with love, isn’t love my friends
The problem with love begins when it ends

I hope you liked it! That’s all for today! But perhaps I’ll post more of my poetry later if you like it!! Talk to you later!

Your Poetic Cynic,

Sabrina

Overwhelmed!

Heyooo,

As some of you may remember from a few of my last posts, I’m now a senior! That’s right. And it’s been a whole month since school started, and trust me, I’m already feeling it.

I feel like so many people had lied to me telling me how Senior year would be the bet and most laid back year. Well, it wasn’t necessarily a lie. That very well might have been true for them. But I chose the other path and let my tell you, I am STRESSED OUT!

I feel like there’s so much going on right now! Aside from family issues going on that I don’t feel like getting into, there’s the whole dilemma with friends. You see, I don’t exactly have a friend group, I’m just friends with random people and most of them aren’t friends with each other and of course that causes problems when it comes to any sort of event. For example, at lunch I might find someone I know to eat with, but that person has their own friend group and I feel like the odd man out. And it’s the same way with any group I intrude in. This gives a general feeling of loneliness.

There’s a whole other layer of stress that comes from being in a long term relationship. Sure, through it all, he’s my support and my source of relaxation. However, there is a big stress that comes with the happiness of the other person. If there is something wrong or something  going on with that person, it feels like that problem is happening to you as well. So if there’s something wrong with one person, it’s like exponential. Someone is sad and the other person gets sad, but then the first person feels more sad because they made their partner sad and it’s a vicious cycle that leads to lots of stress. The problem in this case is that he broke his right wrist. That means that he can’t play his sport (which is like his life) which of course makes him upset and begins the cycle I just described.

Secondly is something I just brought upon myself. And that is school. Most kids decide that since senior year grades aren’t all too important when applying for colleges, they take fewer and easier classes. And then there are people like me, who do their best to pack their schedule with the hardest classes the school can offer. I can’t help it! That’s just the way it’s always been. Regular classes have just been a bore and a burden. So I have 4 APs which isn’t a lot for some people, but I’ve been drowning. I already had to drop a class because I was getting straight F’s and I didn’t want that on my transcript. I know, I’m a coward, but oh well. So yes, there has been a constant flow of reading, and projects, and tests and it’s getting into my head! I’m lucky that many of my classes overlap in what they teach, because if they didn’t, I would be so lost. And going back into how I dropped a class, that means that I just transferred into a completely new class and I’m already SO FAR BEHIND. And it’s stressful trying to play catch up for a whole month of work.

Then there is the idea of APPLICATIONS! Okay, it’s mostly just time consuming. I got most of the basic stuff finished, but what’s really eating at me is…. The essays. Writing about myself?! I know, I know, you guys are thinking that I do that on here all the time, but this is pretty trivial stuff when I want to actually define who I am. I don’t think I even know who I am. And I have to somehow tell some people who have never met me in a mere 1000 words. It’s stressful. For those of you who have gone through the process, I’m sure you agree with me and for those who haven’t, you have something to look forward to (sarcasm).

So yes. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I want to do everything and I want to do everything well, but I’ve put so much on my plate that I feel like I’m cutting corners on EVERYTHING. It’s not Senioritis, I swear! I haven’t stopped trying, I’m just falling behind and that’s a scary feeling.

Thank you so much for lending an ear and listening to my rant! You all deserve great big hugs!!! Well until next time, loves!

Your stressed out blogger,

Sabrina

Love

Hello WordPress users!

Sabrina’s back yet again with another burning message for the masses. And by masses I mean the 3 people who actually read this blog.

I want to talk about love! So have you ever loved someone so extremely much that just the mere thought of losing them makes you physically ill? I consider myself so extremely lucky to have experienced a love this strong in my life.

I’m sure right now you all are thinking “Oh yes. Sabrina told us she was seeing someone romantically, she must be talking about him.” I mean, yes I love him a lot. But this particular post is in fact NOT about him. I want to talk about my best friend.

Some events last week caused my friend and me to get into a fight. It really was a small thing. Misunderstandings and pent up feelings just expanded the situation and suddenly we were pissed. The very existence of our friendship was put into debate.

The effects of this fight were immediately visible. She is a physically weaker girl and the effects were terrible on her. She ended up not coming to school for a few days because the fear of losing me had manifested itself in high fever and some other symptoms. In myself, I also became sick. I was almost constantly shaking and woozy as well as having to make quick trips to the bathroom to avoid spilling chunks on the classroom floor. But I still went to school because 1) I didn’t want to explain to my parents what was wrong and 2) I absolutely HATE missing school.

So yes. It’s a scary thing when something so important that you seemed so sure of becomes questionable. Being the Sabrina I am, I immediately blamed myself. She is so important to me.

In the end, we finally straightened it out. As I said, it was just a big misunderstanding, and though some hurtful things might have been said, those things were things we needed to hear. They were truths about ourselves that we now better understand.

The point of this whole post is to say how thankful I am. How amazing it is to have someone on this earth to be so connected to. Honestly we’ve both worked in ways to better each other and without her, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And it truly is an amazing feeling, to have someone care about you as much as she cares about me. It really does make me feel like I have strength to face any situation.

So though friendships go up and down, I think they are some of the purist love you will find. We’re sisters and we’ll love each other through it all. Thank you.

Your Faux-Sis,

Sabrina